I survived all of these horrendous months!!
Somebody ought to give me a fucking medal! I survived and did not humiliate myself by sending embarrassing emails, making desperate phone calls or text messages. I just disappeared off the planet. Planet called duche bag.
Glad I don't live in that shithole anymore and that I don't have to socialize with selfish idiots.
I still feel bruised all over my heart and soul, but I don't feel like my wounds are gaping open.. Though they are fragile and tend to open up easily. So I avoid giving them occassion as much as possible.
I still think of him in the morning and he appears in my mind randomly during different parts of the day, but my pain is not intense. I just feel melancholy.
and sad. Especially when I heard this song today and recognized myself:
Glad I don't live in that shithole anymore and that I don't have to socialize with selfish idiots.
I still feel bruised all over my heart and soul, but I don't feel like my wounds are gaping open.. Though they are fragile and tend to open up easily. So I avoid giving them occassion as much as possible.
I still think of him in the morning and he appears in my mind randomly during different parts of the day, but my pain is not intense. I just feel melancholy.
and sad. Especially when I heard this song today and recognized myself:
God, I am such a floozie. Emotional wreck. I would never admit ever liking this song to anybody.
###
I slept terribly last night. Thoughts of him kept creeping in. I was wondering if he misses me even slightly..as if that matters. My friend spotted him on a dating website where his status message was something along the line "you can't change people, but you can replace them". It sounds like something bitchy he would write or say.
I wonder if he believes such a nonsense. I guess he is young enough to believe it. It sounds cool, why wouldn't he.
Lack of sleep is making me gloomier than usual. I hate everything and I hope that karma catches up with him sometimes soon. I am sure it will. I don't know why I feel so certain about it, but I do. Unfortunately, I will probably never know anything about it since I plan to never establish any kinds of relations with him. He was one person I let this close to me, and we have no place to go to now. It would be nothing more than a farce so I prefer this. I prefer silence.
I slept terribly last night. Thoughts of him kept creeping in. I was wondering if he misses me even slightly..as if that matters. My friend spotted him on a dating website where his status message was something along the line "you can't change people, but you can replace them". It sounds like something bitchy he would write or say.
I wonder if he believes such a nonsense. I guess he is young enough to believe it. It sounds cool, why wouldn't he.
Lack of sleep is making me gloomier than usual. I hate everything and I hope that karma catches up with him sometimes soon. I am sure it will. I don't know why I feel so certain about it, but I do. Unfortunately, I will probably never know anything about it since I plan to never establish any kinds of relations with him. He was one person I let this close to me, and we have no place to go to now. It would be nothing more than a farce so I prefer this. I prefer silence.
###
I have been overwhelmed with a sense of longing for the past two days. He is constantly online on that stupid dating website and my annoying friend never fails to report me on that. Why could he not want me and be happy with me. I have so much of this fucking love boiling and bursting within me, but he needs something else. He needs somebody else.
I also need something or somebody else - obviously - but I am not over him yet. I can convince almost everybody around me that I am, but I know that I am not. Because I got to bed with him and I wake up with him. I am also sad during the day when he pops in my mind out of nowhere.
I did not know I loved him this much, that he was so deeply rooted under my skin that after almost 6 months I still think of him. And love him..? Do I love him?
Well, maybe wishing death on somebody because they do not love you back could not be called love? Or maybe it is considered love since hate cannot exist without love. I think.
###
i RECIEVED TROUBLING NEWS RECENTLY. a FRIEND OF MINE WHO BROKE UP WITH HIS girlfriend over a year ago still thinks of her and loves her as ever. Fuck! My theory that I would be totally fine after 6 months is slowly sinking and this guy is now telling me that I may still think of him every day even after a full year! I protest! Why???? Why do I still think of him every fucking morning and every fucking evening?? I am tired of it and I want these thoughts to go away. I have no use of them other then suddenly feeling like I'm dying. I deleted him out of my life, why can't I delete him from my heart too?
Any news or images of him still pierce mys flesh. His existence bothers me. If only he was dead I would not feel so ashamed of loving him or grieving after him, but this..this insatiable longing for somebody whom you know does not give a shit about you is borderline unbearable.
I have been overwhelmed with a sense of longing for the past two days. He is constantly online on that stupid dating website and my annoying friend never fails to report me on that. Why could he not want me and be happy with me. I have so much of this fucking love boiling and bursting within me, but he needs something else. He needs somebody else.
I also need something or somebody else - obviously - but I am not over him yet. I can convince almost everybody around me that I am, but I know that I am not. Because I got to bed with him and I wake up with him. I am also sad during the day when he pops in my mind out of nowhere.
I did not know I loved him this much, that he was so deeply rooted under my skin that after almost 6 months I still think of him. And love him..? Do I love him?
Well, maybe wishing death on somebody because they do not love you back could not be called love? Or maybe it is considered love since hate cannot exist without love. I think.
###
i RECIEVED TROUBLING NEWS RECENTLY. a FRIEND OF MINE WHO BROKE UP WITH HIS girlfriend over a year ago still thinks of her and loves her as ever. Fuck! My theory that I would be totally fine after 6 months is slowly sinking and this guy is now telling me that I may still think of him every day even after a full year! I protest! Why???? Why do I still think of him every fucking morning and every fucking evening?? I am tired of it and I want these thoughts to go away. I have no use of them other then suddenly feeling like I'm dying. I deleted him out of my life, why can't I delete him from my heart too?
Any news or images of him still pierce mys flesh. His existence bothers me. If only he was dead I would not feel so ashamed of loving him or grieving after him, but this..this insatiable longing for somebody whom you know does not give a shit about you is borderline unbearable.
###
almost the end of September and my heart is still brittle as if made of the finest glass imaginable. A wind blows and shatters it. So I go on and live on as if nothing happened. With this large gaping hole inside my chest. Nobody can notice it since I don't talk about it but it's there - exposed to weather and pain.
Is it ever going to heal again?
It's funny.. I use to feel awful about not being able to fall in love with anybody and now.. I just want to be out of love and never to return to it. Being i love and rejected and incomparably worse than not being able to fall in love. Feeling nothing is better than feeling this pain that no medicine can ever heal.
I went to visit friends at neighboring cities last week. I danced, laughed and partied all night, but when I was left alone, I cried like I never cried in my life. walking the empty streets and hiding my tears in the shadows of the trees. Tears poured like an unstoppable river from my eyes drowning street lamps, buildings, road and passing cars. It drowned everything but it failed to fill the gaping wound of my chest. I don't know how many more tears will I have to shed before I start breathing like a complete person once again. But I need to write of this things despite the fact that I do not like to voice them. It is difficult to admit all this pain and suffering even to myself because I am embarrassed by it. I am so ashamed for having so much of love for somebody who deserves it or wants it so little. It's pathetic, but I can see no cure.
I went to his city yesterday (because I had to finish some paperwork) and was overwhelmed by nausea. I was attacked by this paranoid fear I would run into him or anybody 'we' knew. I was terrified at a prospect of having to pretend I am fine and relaxed while all my muscles cramped with tension. So I did everything I had to do and came back runing home on the first bus. Without saying hello to anybody. Leaving goodby to that place always feels good. That city is the battleground at which I lost and pieces of my flesh are scattered all over its sidewalks and buildings. That is the city of death for me.
This poem touched my soul today (though it failed to comfort me):
After a while
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman (man), not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
– Veronica A. Shoffstall
Will I ever learn?
p.s. a friend told me that he met my ex in Barcelona this summer. he was with a french friend and probably enjoying benefits of sex tourism. that news caused the downpour.
almost the end of September and my heart is still brittle as if made of the finest glass imaginable. A wind blows and shatters it. So I go on and live on as if nothing happened. With this large gaping hole inside my chest. Nobody can notice it since I don't talk about it but it's there - exposed to weather and pain.
Is it ever going to heal again?
It's funny.. I use to feel awful about not being able to fall in love with anybody and now.. I just want to be out of love and never to return to it. Being i love and rejected and incomparably worse than not being able to fall in love. Feeling nothing is better than feeling this pain that no medicine can ever heal.
I went to visit friends at neighboring cities last week. I danced, laughed and partied all night, but when I was left alone, I cried like I never cried in my life. walking the empty streets and hiding my tears in the shadows of the trees. Tears poured like an unstoppable river from my eyes drowning street lamps, buildings, road and passing cars. It drowned everything but it failed to fill the gaping wound of my chest. I don't know how many more tears will I have to shed before I start breathing like a complete person once again. But I need to write of this things despite the fact that I do not like to voice them. It is difficult to admit all this pain and suffering even to myself because I am embarrassed by it. I am so ashamed for having so much of love for somebody who deserves it or wants it so little. It's pathetic, but I can see no cure.
I went to his city yesterday (because I had to finish some paperwork) and was overwhelmed by nausea. I was attacked by this paranoid fear I would run into him or anybody 'we' knew. I was terrified at a prospect of having to pretend I am fine and relaxed while all my muscles cramped with tension. So I did everything I had to do and came back runing home on the first bus. Without saying hello to anybody. Leaving goodby to that place always feels good. That city is the battleground at which I lost and pieces of my flesh are scattered all over its sidewalks and buildings. That is the city of death for me.
This poem touched my soul today (though it failed to comfort me):
After a while
After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman (man), not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…
– Veronica A. Shoffstall
Will I ever learn?
p.s. a friend told me that he met my ex in Barcelona this summer. he was with a french friend and probably enjoying benefits of sex tourism. that news caused the downpour.