###
Here's June. Hi June. Fuck you June. What will I do in June I wonder? Oh I know! I will continue to miss that motherfucker every fucking morning and sigh every time I think of him, listen to some shitty ass nostalgic music about lost love and continue to hide my ultimate unhappiness from everyone around me.
Sounds like a plan.
Sounds like a fabulous month.
Goddamn him. Why did he have to fall out of fucking love? We were really happy together and I enjoyed doing stuff with him. It was really fun and I even tolerated his antisocial behavior, fed him and didn't bitch when he turned into a goddam plant.. Sitting on my sofa every evening browsing 9gag and Facebook. Like a retarded child.
Maybe I should look at him Facebook pics where he looks ugly? That tends to make me feel better for about 20 seconds. Naaaah.. I would then have to look at his newest friend additions and get super-sad at the thought of him being happy with anybody other than me. I've been seeing this really cute guy lately. He just got out of a 6-year relationship and I hope we continue to hang out. He entertains me. Plus I really hope that shitface runs into us while we're 'LOLing'. I want to be seen with somebody hot while appearing to be having the time of my life. I don't know why that even matters to me because he clearly doesn't care what I do or feel or we'd still be together.
We can never be together again. Ever. Not as much as I want it and even if he suddenly miraculously changed his mind and realized he's super in love with me, I could not do it again. It's dead and long buried. My trust.
But I can still feel nostalgic about our good times and idealize the past...since that will undoubtedly do me much good and make me feel better about my failed relationship.
Do I sound self-destructive today? Because I totally feel like it.
###
Seeing no resolution to my existential recognition of loss, I decide to eat lunch.
Sounds like a plan.
Sounds like a fabulous month.
Goddamn him. Why did he have to fall out of fucking love? We were really happy together and I enjoyed doing stuff with him. It was really fun and I even tolerated his antisocial behavior, fed him and didn't bitch when he turned into a goddam plant.. Sitting on my sofa every evening browsing 9gag and Facebook. Like a retarded child.
Maybe I should look at him Facebook pics where he looks ugly? That tends to make me feel better for about 20 seconds. Naaaah.. I would then have to look at his newest friend additions and get super-sad at the thought of him being happy with anybody other than me. I've been seeing this really cute guy lately. He just got out of a 6-year relationship and I hope we continue to hang out. He entertains me. Plus I really hope that shitface runs into us while we're 'LOLing'. I want to be seen with somebody hot while appearing to be having the time of my life. I don't know why that even matters to me because he clearly doesn't care what I do or feel or we'd still be together.
We can never be together again. Ever. Not as much as I want it and even if he suddenly miraculously changed his mind and realized he's super in love with me, I could not do it again. It's dead and long buried. My trust.
But I can still feel nostalgic about our good times and idealize the past...since that will undoubtedly do me much good and make me feel better about my failed relationship.
Do I sound self-destructive today? Because I totally feel like it.
###
Seeing no resolution to my existential recognition of loss, I decide to eat lunch.
###
I have hit a rock bottom and things don't seem to be improving but getting worse. Is this fucking pain and longing for that monkey-headed duchebag ever going away?
I want him so bad and I miss him 'like the desert misses rain'. I know that this can't be in any version of our story and that in all honesty, I would not go back to him even if he wanted to, but my heart aches and wants him so bad! This is hell. I am in hell. And the worst of all is that NOBODY can notice it. Having a broken heart is like heaving broken ribs. Every tiniest move hurts like a bitch and I cannot forget my pain even for a second. On the other hand, nobody can see it and nobody even suspects what I am going through.
I mean I COULD tell everyone I am miserable, and bitch about it and whine.. but what good would it do? The pain would still be there and I would still miss him.
The thoughts of what I could have or should have done and creeping in. My brain tells me they are completely useless as everything has passed and been closed, but I can't stop them.
###
My boss just ('our' common friend) asked me why I didn't wish him a happy birthday. He obviously told him that I didn't wish him a happy birthday. It sent a lightning through my stupid soul and it made my hands shake. I told my boss I didn't wish him a happy birthday because I wished him nothing of the sort. He ruined my entire month and it would be hypocritical of me to wish him something I didn't really mean.
That is partly true because he didn't ruin my month but more than that.. He ruined every day after our breakup and that's close to two months..and he will continue ruining more days and months for me.
After a year spent with me, he didn't enjoy one month...and suddenly decided that this was it. That we should be friends.. Without even trying to fix anything. Throwing me like a dirty towel.
I want to stab him in his fucking throat. Happy birthday? Fuck that. I want him to have unhappy rest of his fucking life. Selfish son of bitch.
###
So I am going through with 60 day separation rule. It has been difficult as hell so far and I feel like I am dying every day, but I hope that things will get better by July 16... And if they don't.. well fuck it.
My life is a nightmare lately but smoking pot helps. I went out with cute Mr. S. last night and we smoked pot like it was our job. We smoked three large joints in a row and I was no longer able to function or think about jerk-face after that. I went to a heavenly sleep and slept almost 12 hours. It was divine. I wish I could be stoned like that 24/7.
As for my sudden longing and renewed agony, I blame it on a stupid internet advice which told me to embrace my pain and to deal with it by feeling it. So I focused on him, my pain, and invited it all back in. What a load of crap! I don't need to deal with my pain, but to distract myself from thinking about it! Fucking internet. Never listen to internet advice! But I will go wit that 60-day rule in hope of expunging him from my heart.
I found a scientific article (http://jn.physiology.org/content/104/1/51.full) that explains that my craving for asshole is close to craving the brain feels when craving for cocaine (in cocaine addicts of course). So I moved on to reading articles on cocaine and how to prevent relapses (http://www.tgorski.com/gorski_articles/cocaine%20craving%20&%20relapse%20010523.htm). I really like the advice they give so far..
###
I am going back to the old and tried technique of avoiding thoughts and feelings of him. When ever he pops up in my mind (a lot) I shift focus on my immediate senses. I stare intensely at things around me, notice colors, textures patterns, I pay attanetion to my ears and little sounds my cluttered mind barely notices, I pay attention to a room temperature, my skin, clothes on my skin and do my best to bring my mind into present moment.
It's difficult and it requires CONSTANT work, but it mostly works ok.
###
Fuck me. I went to facebook today (after a 20-day-break) and of course, visited his profile. This renewed the pang of pain in my heart and I felt like my core was splitting in two spewing my gutters onto the kitchen floor tile. Why, oh, why can't I stop loving this man already? Why, oh, why can't I just see him as a friend and why do I have need to hold him in my arms and recive love from him.
I functioned great before I met him, why is it so difficult to go back to that? I do not want any more love and romances. They can all suck my dick. They all pass and you can't trust anyone in this shitty world. Not even yourself.
###
I fantasize about kidnapping him and chopping his limbs into pieces. I first take a knife and cut open his stomach and slowly take out his guts as he screams and stares at his own intestines. Then I cut of his ears and toes, before proceeding to grab a saw and chop of his feet, his hands and legs..Piece by piece. And he screams the ntire time and begs me stop and cries and drools. These thoughts are one of the few things that bring a smile to my lips.
###
I bragged yesterday to our common friend how I never dream of him (she dreams of her ex constantly). What happens that same night? Yup. I dream of him not once, but twice! And both dreams were awful. In the first one we were having a dinner and were on the brink of getting back together when I woke up. In the second one we were going on a bus trip and I left the bus to buy a ticket of some sort. In the meantime bus left and I called him to ask him to stop the bus. He told me he was asleep and yelled at me for being so dumb to miss the bus. He then told me he would not stop it and hung up. Went on a trip by himself.
This sounds like something he would do.
When we went to a vacation last summer he got really drunk one night. I went for a swim while he stayed on a shore. I was mad at him for constantly wanting to take pics instead of just enjoying our moments together.
I swam far away and he didn't see me so after calling me a few times he started to leave the beach. He thought I drowned and his first reaction was to pack his stuff and go home. That fucktard.
I am also a fucktard for going back to bed with him that night and tossing in bed and feeling like an idiot. We argued about that few months later and I told him about it. He defended himself by saying he would not leave me dead and go home..and yet, that's what he did.
He has a quare jaw and really small eyes. He kept telling me he dislikes people with small eyes and I never told him that he seriously needs to take a good look at himself in the mirror. I should have. He is balding and has a large scar on his nose. Once or twice every month his eyes swells and it looks like somebody punched him in the face. He never managed to find the cause or to stop it. His shoulders are disproportionately small, his arms are long and white (like an old man's arms) and he does not feel love towards anybody else but himself. At least he never displayed any affection or put anybody else above himself. He does not compromise. Ever. And he Photoshops all of his photos. Which he changes almost daily on facebook.
He stopped having sex with me or showing any gentlenss about a month before our breakup. I would lie at night beside him and feel like I was runing out of air. I did not hug him because when ever I did that, I felt like I was hugging a stone. Forcing something onto him that he did not want. And so I lay there in the dark and fought for my breath. Tried to keep my crying as quiet as possible. As he slept like a man on a surgery table. In his deep impenetrable sleep. Not stepping close to me. Keeping a huge pit between us while I longed for ANY kind of touch. Any hint of affection.
My bed feels warmer without him in it and I feel less lonely now that we are physically separate. Loving somebody who does not love you back and watching their love evaporate before your eyes is a hell on earth.
I want him so bad and I miss him 'like the desert misses rain'. I know that this can't be in any version of our story and that in all honesty, I would not go back to him even if he wanted to, but my heart aches and wants him so bad! This is hell. I am in hell. And the worst of all is that NOBODY can notice it. Having a broken heart is like heaving broken ribs. Every tiniest move hurts like a bitch and I cannot forget my pain even for a second. On the other hand, nobody can see it and nobody even suspects what I am going through.
I mean I COULD tell everyone I am miserable, and bitch about it and whine.. but what good would it do? The pain would still be there and I would still miss him.
The thoughts of what I could have or should have done and creeping in. My brain tells me they are completely useless as everything has passed and been closed, but I can't stop them.
###
My boss just ('our' common friend) asked me why I didn't wish him a happy birthday. He obviously told him that I didn't wish him a happy birthday. It sent a lightning through my stupid soul and it made my hands shake. I told my boss I didn't wish him a happy birthday because I wished him nothing of the sort. He ruined my entire month and it would be hypocritical of me to wish him something I didn't really mean.
That is partly true because he didn't ruin my month but more than that.. He ruined every day after our breakup and that's close to two months..and he will continue ruining more days and months for me.
After a year spent with me, he didn't enjoy one month...and suddenly decided that this was it. That we should be friends.. Without even trying to fix anything. Throwing me like a dirty towel.
I want to stab him in his fucking throat. Happy birthday? Fuck that. I want him to have unhappy rest of his fucking life. Selfish son of bitch.
###
So I am going through with 60 day separation rule. It has been difficult as hell so far and I feel like I am dying every day, but I hope that things will get better by July 16... And if they don't.. well fuck it.
My life is a nightmare lately but smoking pot helps. I went out with cute Mr. S. last night and we smoked pot like it was our job. We smoked three large joints in a row and I was no longer able to function or think about jerk-face after that. I went to a heavenly sleep and slept almost 12 hours. It was divine. I wish I could be stoned like that 24/7.
As for my sudden longing and renewed agony, I blame it on a stupid internet advice which told me to embrace my pain and to deal with it by feeling it. So I focused on him, my pain, and invited it all back in. What a load of crap! I don't need to deal with my pain, but to distract myself from thinking about it! Fucking internet. Never listen to internet advice! But I will go wit that 60-day rule in hope of expunging him from my heart.
I found a scientific article (http://jn.physiology.org/content/104/1/51.full) that explains that my craving for asshole is close to craving the brain feels when craving for cocaine (in cocaine addicts of course). So I moved on to reading articles on cocaine and how to prevent relapses (http://www.tgorski.com/gorski_articles/cocaine%20craving%20&%20relapse%20010523.htm). I really like the advice they give so far..
###
I am going back to the old and tried technique of avoiding thoughts and feelings of him. When ever he pops up in my mind (a lot) I shift focus on my immediate senses. I stare intensely at things around me, notice colors, textures patterns, I pay attanetion to my ears and little sounds my cluttered mind barely notices, I pay attention to a room temperature, my skin, clothes on my skin and do my best to bring my mind into present moment.
It's difficult and it requires CONSTANT work, but it mostly works ok.
###
Fuck me. I went to facebook today (after a 20-day-break) and of course, visited his profile. This renewed the pang of pain in my heart and I felt like my core was splitting in two spewing my gutters onto the kitchen floor tile. Why, oh, why can't I stop loving this man already? Why, oh, why can't I just see him as a friend and why do I have need to hold him in my arms and recive love from him.
I functioned great before I met him, why is it so difficult to go back to that? I do not want any more love and romances. They can all suck my dick. They all pass and you can't trust anyone in this shitty world. Not even yourself.
###
I fantasize about kidnapping him and chopping his limbs into pieces. I first take a knife and cut open his stomach and slowly take out his guts as he screams and stares at his own intestines. Then I cut of his ears and toes, before proceeding to grab a saw and chop of his feet, his hands and legs..Piece by piece. And he screams the ntire time and begs me stop and cries and drools. These thoughts are one of the few things that bring a smile to my lips.
###
I bragged yesterday to our common friend how I never dream of him (she dreams of her ex constantly). What happens that same night? Yup. I dream of him not once, but twice! And both dreams were awful. In the first one we were having a dinner and were on the brink of getting back together when I woke up. In the second one we were going on a bus trip and I left the bus to buy a ticket of some sort. In the meantime bus left and I called him to ask him to stop the bus. He told me he was asleep and yelled at me for being so dumb to miss the bus. He then told me he would not stop it and hung up. Went on a trip by himself.
This sounds like something he would do.
When we went to a vacation last summer he got really drunk one night. I went for a swim while he stayed on a shore. I was mad at him for constantly wanting to take pics instead of just enjoying our moments together.
I swam far away and he didn't see me so after calling me a few times he started to leave the beach. He thought I drowned and his first reaction was to pack his stuff and go home. That fucktard.
I am also a fucktard for going back to bed with him that night and tossing in bed and feeling like an idiot. We argued about that few months later and I told him about it. He defended himself by saying he would not leave me dead and go home..and yet, that's what he did.
He has a quare jaw and really small eyes. He kept telling me he dislikes people with small eyes and I never told him that he seriously needs to take a good look at himself in the mirror. I should have. He is balding and has a large scar on his nose. Once or twice every month his eyes swells and it looks like somebody punched him in the face. He never managed to find the cause or to stop it. His shoulders are disproportionately small, his arms are long and white (like an old man's arms) and he does not feel love towards anybody else but himself. At least he never displayed any affection or put anybody else above himself. He does not compromise. Ever. And he Photoshops all of his photos. Which he changes almost daily on facebook.
He stopped having sex with me or showing any gentlenss about a month before our breakup. I would lie at night beside him and feel like I was runing out of air. I did not hug him because when ever I did that, I felt like I was hugging a stone. Forcing something onto him that he did not want. And so I lay there in the dark and fought for my breath. Tried to keep my crying as quiet as possible. As he slept like a man on a surgery table. In his deep impenetrable sleep. Not stepping close to me. Keeping a huge pit between us while I longed for ANY kind of touch. Any hint of affection.
My bed feels warmer without him in it and I feel less lonely now that we are physically separate. Loving somebody who does not love you back and watching their love evaporate before your eyes is a hell on earth.
###
I was feeling well all evening yesterday and was really happy until noon today. After that my thoughts wondered back at him and that sinking feeling returned. Happiness IS possible and I want it back damn it! I should stop wishing to be friends with him because thinking about it drains me. But my thoughts return to that every once in a while...
When will this issue be closed already? It's been almost two and a half months now. When I started thinking of him this morning (as I always do as soon as I open my eyes), I diverted them at S and how vulnerable he was lat night. He got really stoned at my apartment last night and even puked. I felt sorry for him and this made me realize that taking care of people makes me super happy. It always distracts me from myself and my own problems forcing me to deal with other people's issues. I need to hang out with needy people who have problems larger than mine.
I also a met a common friend o my ex. I love her so much, but she always reminds me of him and brings me down. I don't want to lose her, but if this situation persists I will need to have a talk with her and tell her I need to avoid her for a bit. Fortunatelly, my vacation starts really soon so I will probably be away from the city for a month. That way I will not need to make any adjustments but see how things work out after I return.
But things are looking better. They really are. I mean... I still get awful heartaches, and feel like crying and I miss him terribly, BUT. I now have longer periods of calm where I do not think of him. They keep changing and I feel a bit bipolar. Really happy one moment and then sad the next, but at least there are some happy moments. There was no rest from my gloomy thoughts at all a previous month. I really have to stop pondering being friends with him because that hurts me the most I think. I cannot even entertain the idea of friendship until I am fully indifferent wether we are friends or not. I just hope I do not run into him and have to have any sort of communication.
### I deleted him from facebook. Finally. And told him that I need it for my emotional and mental well being. I laso said I would befriend him again once I'm fully ok. He said, "Ok, I understand, sorry.".
Eloquent as usual. I would love to punch him in his stupid emotionless face. I hope it hurts three times more once somebody does to him what he did to me.
All the pain and thoughts of him returned last night and I am still dealing with it today. I am wondering if I did the right thing? I think I did because I will not be able to be his friend until I don't care anymore if I am his friend. That is so strange. In the meantime, it's good to minimize all contact with him. I did not contact him or stalk him on facebook, but I caught myself posting profile pics in response to his profile pics. That is no good because it still 'lets him in'. It's not hard to fool the heart that wants to be fooled.
###
I ran into him yesterday. His mouth was full of junk he was chewing like his life depends on it as I shook his hands and said hi. He was wearing this godawful turtle-neck short sleeve shirt and looked as idiotic as ever. Out encounter was brief but very uncomfortable and I hope it doesn't repeat since I had trouble falling asleep again. I keep thinking of him, and yet, at this point.. I am 100% certain that I would not want to be with him even if he magically realized that I am the love of his life.
He hurt me too much and I would never be able to trust him again. I would always wonder if he would leave me again and cause me this pain.
I deserve to be with somebody who loves me back. Somebody who is certain that they want to be with me and somebody who will not leave me on a whim.
This shit still hurts though and I just can't wait to move away from this city of cemeteries and death... Two more weeks..
When will this issue be closed already? It's been almost two and a half months now. When I started thinking of him this morning (as I always do as soon as I open my eyes), I diverted them at S and how vulnerable he was lat night. He got really stoned at my apartment last night and even puked. I felt sorry for him and this made me realize that taking care of people makes me super happy. It always distracts me from myself and my own problems forcing me to deal with other people's issues. I need to hang out with needy people who have problems larger than mine.
I also a met a common friend o my ex. I love her so much, but she always reminds me of him and brings me down. I don't want to lose her, but if this situation persists I will need to have a talk with her and tell her I need to avoid her for a bit. Fortunatelly, my vacation starts really soon so I will probably be away from the city for a month. That way I will not need to make any adjustments but see how things work out after I return.
But things are looking better. They really are. I mean... I still get awful heartaches, and feel like crying and I miss him terribly, BUT. I now have longer periods of calm where I do not think of him. They keep changing and I feel a bit bipolar. Really happy one moment and then sad the next, but at least there are some happy moments. There was no rest from my gloomy thoughts at all a previous month. I really have to stop pondering being friends with him because that hurts me the most I think. I cannot even entertain the idea of friendship until I am fully indifferent wether we are friends or not. I just hope I do not run into him and have to have any sort of communication.
### I deleted him from facebook. Finally. And told him that I need it for my emotional and mental well being. I laso said I would befriend him again once I'm fully ok. He said, "Ok, I understand, sorry.".
Eloquent as usual. I would love to punch him in his stupid emotionless face. I hope it hurts three times more once somebody does to him what he did to me.
All the pain and thoughts of him returned last night and I am still dealing with it today. I am wondering if I did the right thing? I think I did because I will not be able to be his friend until I don't care anymore if I am his friend. That is so strange. In the meantime, it's good to minimize all contact with him. I did not contact him or stalk him on facebook, but I caught myself posting profile pics in response to his profile pics. That is no good because it still 'lets him in'. It's not hard to fool the heart that wants to be fooled.
###
I ran into him yesterday. His mouth was full of junk he was chewing like his life depends on it as I shook his hands and said hi. He was wearing this godawful turtle-neck short sleeve shirt and looked as idiotic as ever. Out encounter was brief but very uncomfortable and I hope it doesn't repeat since I had trouble falling asleep again. I keep thinking of him, and yet, at this point.. I am 100% certain that I would not want to be with him even if he magically realized that I am the love of his life.
He hurt me too much and I would never be able to trust him again. I would always wonder if he would leave me again and cause me this pain.
I deserve to be with somebody who loves me back. Somebody who is certain that they want to be with me and somebody who will not leave me on a whim.
This shit still hurts though and I just can't wait to move away from this city of cemeteries and death... Two more weeks..