May
I finally feel like shit and this feeling is probably here to stay. I dreamt we were in church yesterday, at a Sunday mass and he left a seat beside me to go flirt with somebody and it hurt like a bitch. It still does.
Damn him.
I keep listening to Christina Aguillera's song "you lost me" and she is not really helping either. I feel as if somebody is sitting on my chest and I want to stab that somebody in the face.
I'm going to a seaside town tomorrow with friends. I hope that can at least distract me. oh and p.s. I felt great during the past 6 days.
Damn him.
I keep listening to Christina Aguillera's song "you lost me" and she is not really helping either. I feel as if somebody is sitting on my chest and I want to stab that somebody in the face.
I'm going to a seaside town tomorrow with friends. I hope that can at least distract me. oh and p.s. I felt great during the past 6 days.
###
I want to die. That's the only thing I fantasize about. Me. Dead. Covered in moss and snow. Beside a muddy road.
Death.
He keeps posting sad songs that imply that he lacks love in his life. They pierce my heart and made it bleed even more profusely. If only he knew how much he was loved, and if only he could love back. He does not need love, he needs to give it to somebody. But not me of course.
After I read the lyrics of the song he posted I had to go to bathroom (I'm at work) and cry my eyes out. My chest fell like it was going to explode. This shit really fucking hurts. Not just mentally, but real physical pain.
Guys keep hitting on me and I pretend to be interested because I like the distraction. Maybe I should not play with them because I am still in love and emotionally unavailable, but hey, they don't plan to marry me either.
This life fucking sucks. And the worst of all is that after a year of being super intimate with me he does not feel anything. He is just ready to turn the new page and wants to be my friend. My fucking friend..like I was a robot. I am not a robot like him. I still have these stupid feelings and they are eating me inside out. I just want to not exist anymore. Not feel love or pain. I want to be a moss on a rocky beach in maldives.
I want to die. That's the only thing I fantasize about. Me. Dead. Covered in moss and snow. Beside a muddy road.
Death.
He keeps posting sad songs that imply that he lacks love in his life. They pierce my heart and made it bleed even more profusely. If only he knew how much he was loved, and if only he could love back. He does not need love, he needs to give it to somebody. But not me of course.
After I read the lyrics of the song he posted I had to go to bathroom (I'm at work) and cry my eyes out. My chest fell like it was going to explode. This shit really fucking hurts. Not just mentally, but real physical pain.
Guys keep hitting on me and I pretend to be interested because I like the distraction. Maybe I should not play with them because I am still in love and emotionally unavailable, but hey, they don't plan to marry me either.
This life fucking sucks. And the worst of all is that after a year of being super intimate with me he does not feel anything. He is just ready to turn the new page and wants to be my friend. My fucking friend..like I was a robot. I am not a robot like him. I still have these stupid feelings and they are eating me inside out. I just want to not exist anymore. Not feel love or pain. I want to be a moss on a rocky beach in maldives.
We are still friends on facebook so I check his facebook page regularly. He finished reading the book we read to one another before going to bed. And then he 'liked' it.
It made my heart produce a gush of blood that dripped on my winter shoes. He is not affected by any of this while I'm rolling in my own caked blood and mud.
How can he be this unfeeling? He was never a sentimental fool or upset when people are around him were upset (even if he liked them), but fuck... Does he not know that I am rolling in pain and trying to forget his selfish ass? He is intelligent enough to know this, so why is he so cruel? Why let me know that you read 'our' book on your own and enjoyed it like I was never even part of the story?
I know that you are fine. No need to rub it in my face.
###
We chatted briefly today and it was fucking awful. So rational, cool and calm. We chatted like acquaintances. Being rejected by somebody you love and who used to love you is like being turned into a dirty towel. He never cared as much as I did... even when we were at the peak of our love. Maybe that is the reason I am so attracted to him. He never seems to care and nothing ever seems to be good enough for him. It makes me want to better and try harder.
But there is nothing I can do and I just want to not care. Be indifferent - like I became towards my other boyfriends. Why are these things not moving at a faster pace? Why does my fucking heart bleed so much while knowing that his doesn't even skip a beat?
I wish him a terrible life of loneliness and pain. I hope he dies alone like a rat. Selfish and self-centered son of a bitch.
###
Thinking of suicide makes things worst and better at the same time. I feel better browsing poisons and shit. I had to go bathroom and cry my eyes out and now I feel slightly better again (I'm at work). I will be ok for the next three seconds perhaps.
I am so fucking healthy and I look spectacular when I am miserable. This is unbearable and nobody can even console me because I don't know how to show it. Even if I showed it, they wouldn't be able to do anything. They could pity me and wish me a speedy recovery. And now 'our' friends are inviting me to come to a group birthday party which will also be his birthday party. Guilt-tripping me too. Can't they understand that my soul is being torn apart and that my flesh aches when even a thought of him crosses my mind?... To see him at a birthday party, dancing, and to wish him a happy birthday. What a hypocrisy and theatre. I can already see it. I'd play my role splendidly:
I am so over him and I am having so much fun. I really want him to be happy and to be my friend... because we respect each other and love each other so much. As friends. I love all the people here and just want to dance with everybody. And then I'd dance, and drink, and laugh and look fabulous. And then I'd go to bathroom...vomit and cry ..and then come back again shining with delight.
Then I'd step out into a dark night and feel the tears freezing on my cheeks. And then the gush of blood from my chest would cover my newly purchased shirt and jeans and leave a bloody trail as I walk home. Sick with pain, alcohol and loneliness. And I'd dream of being dead some more. Of not existing and feeling nothing.
But I'd wish happy birthdays to everybody and seem sincere..even though we would all know that this part is probably a theatre.
Oh God, fuck you. We were created to breed and not to be happy. Fuck you Darwin and fuck you fish. Why did you ever have to leave that goddamn sea?
It made my heart produce a gush of blood that dripped on my winter shoes. He is not affected by any of this while I'm rolling in my own caked blood and mud.
How can he be this unfeeling? He was never a sentimental fool or upset when people are around him were upset (even if he liked them), but fuck... Does he not know that I am rolling in pain and trying to forget his selfish ass? He is intelligent enough to know this, so why is he so cruel? Why let me know that you read 'our' book on your own and enjoyed it like I was never even part of the story?
I know that you are fine. No need to rub it in my face.
###
We chatted briefly today and it was fucking awful. So rational, cool and calm. We chatted like acquaintances. Being rejected by somebody you love and who used to love you is like being turned into a dirty towel. He never cared as much as I did... even when we were at the peak of our love. Maybe that is the reason I am so attracted to him. He never seems to care and nothing ever seems to be good enough for him. It makes me want to better and try harder.
But there is nothing I can do and I just want to not care. Be indifferent - like I became towards my other boyfriends. Why are these things not moving at a faster pace? Why does my fucking heart bleed so much while knowing that his doesn't even skip a beat?
I wish him a terrible life of loneliness and pain. I hope he dies alone like a rat. Selfish and self-centered son of a bitch.
###
Thinking of suicide makes things worst and better at the same time. I feel better browsing poisons and shit. I had to go bathroom and cry my eyes out and now I feel slightly better again (I'm at work). I will be ok for the next three seconds perhaps.
I am so fucking healthy and I look spectacular when I am miserable. This is unbearable and nobody can even console me because I don't know how to show it. Even if I showed it, they wouldn't be able to do anything. They could pity me and wish me a speedy recovery. And now 'our' friends are inviting me to come to a group birthday party which will also be his birthday party. Guilt-tripping me too. Can't they understand that my soul is being torn apart and that my flesh aches when even a thought of him crosses my mind?... To see him at a birthday party, dancing, and to wish him a happy birthday. What a hypocrisy and theatre. I can already see it. I'd play my role splendidly:
I am so over him and I am having so much fun. I really want him to be happy and to be my friend... because we respect each other and love each other so much. As friends. I love all the people here and just want to dance with everybody. And then I'd dance, and drink, and laugh and look fabulous. And then I'd go to bathroom...vomit and cry ..and then come back again shining with delight.
Then I'd step out into a dark night and feel the tears freezing on my cheeks. And then the gush of blood from my chest would cover my newly purchased shirt and jeans and leave a bloody trail as I walk home. Sick with pain, alcohol and loneliness. And I'd dream of being dead some more. Of not existing and feeling nothing.
But I'd wish happy birthdays to everybody and seem sincere..even though we would all know that this part is probably a theatre.
Oh God, fuck you. We were created to breed and not to be happy. Fuck you Darwin and fuck you fish. Why did you ever have to leave that goddamn sea?
###
I miss him. I miss him so fucking much. Being strangers with him (after being closer to him than any other human being) feels like dying. That is the reason I had to abandon my facebook profile, delete him off my gmail chatt list and unsubscribe from his youtube account.
I have to stay away from anything that reminds me of him even remotely. That is the only way I can get through the day without wishing to be dead.
He asked a friend yesterday what was happening with me and where was I. I wish she didn't tell me this because I woke up at 5 am wishing he was by my side. I have also decided to avoid his friends as much as possible. They remind of him too much and they never fail to mention him (directly or indirectly). Thinking of him in any form or shape makes my soul ache.
I wish him all the misery of this world. I have been a great partner and did my best to make him happy. I bared my soul and opened my life to him and all I got in return was his boredom and narcissistic self-obsession. Will I ever learn?
I listen to Nicole Kidman song lately and I fully relate to it:
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends
It's a sad song, but living in a dream you know will inevitably end and leave you shattered and lonely is even sadder. I waited for my dream to end even during our happiest moments and this made them even more precious for me. I felt extra grateful for every happy moment and I appreciated it to the fullest. However, this 'knowing' didn't help shit when the moment came for it to end. I still feel the same pain and I just hope 'love' stays away from me for as long as humanly possible. My soul is so fucking bruised and exhausted from all the abuse that it couldn't handle another rejection.
I have to stay away from anything that reminds me of him even remotely. That is the only way I can get through the day without wishing to be dead.
He asked a friend yesterday what was happening with me and where was I. I wish she didn't tell me this because I woke up at 5 am wishing he was by my side. I have also decided to avoid his friends as much as possible. They remind of him too much and they never fail to mention him (directly or indirectly). Thinking of him in any form or shape makes my soul ache.
I wish him all the misery of this world. I have been a great partner and did my best to make him happy. I bared my soul and opened my life to him and all I got in return was his boredom and narcissistic self-obsession. Will I ever learn?
I listen to Nicole Kidman song lately and I fully relate to it:
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
What more could your Love do for me?
When will Love be through with me?
One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream?
And dread the day when dreaming ends
It's a sad song, but living in a dream you know will inevitably end and leave you shattered and lonely is even sadder. I waited for my dream to end even during our happiest moments and this made them even more precious for me. I felt extra grateful for every happy moment and I appreciated it to the fullest. However, this 'knowing' didn't help shit when the moment came for it to end. I still feel the same pain and I just hope 'love' stays away from me for as long as humanly possible. My soul is so fucking bruised and exhausted from all the abuse that it couldn't handle another rejection.
###
I am being a gay bitch lately. I'm out of fucking control. I am a gay hazard and should probably be bricked up in a room without internet or a phone.
I went out to a club with my 'new boyfriend' X on Friday and ended up making out with both him and the hottest guy I've ever seen in this city (his name is Y). I also ran into a guy I made out with a couple of weeks ago (it was his b-day) and who is allegedly in love with me (Z).
But anyways, I was sick of myself on Friday night and barely managed to avoid a threesome with X and Y. But I did end up with Y in a park near my apt where we made out and groped each other for like one hour. He is an AMAZING kisser and really really sexy.
Then early in the morning I received judgmental messages from my other flirt Q and then later from Z too. I guess my nasty reputation is spreading like wild fire.. So on Saturday night (after another wild gay party - where I behaved and flirted with X exclusively), I turned off my cell phone and it is still off. Receiving no text messages and not having to be flirty with people you generally don't give a fuck about is such a relief ! Phew!
I probably sound like a total bitch here but I don't care. I haven't been a bitch in forever and it's about time I show my teeth to these people. Everyone around here is so certain I'm the nicest person they've ever met and that I couldn't harm a fly. A motherly figure. A saint. While I AM really fucking nice, that's just one of my sides - like everybody else's. Everybody is really nice and a bitch at the same time, but if you don't show a bitch from time to time, people tend to forget it's there. And while everybody likes the nice guy, people tend to abuse them and they generally attract jerks - like I attracted my ex bf.
That selfish and big-headed moron is probably the source of my sudden mania. I was so fucking in love with him - and probably still am - so I am doing everything I can to distract myself from thinking of him. That was the only good relationship I ever had and we were both crazy in love .. And then suddenly without any real warning..
poof!
It's gone in one afternoon. And then it's hard to just turn everything you feel off, but at the same time, you need to move on.
But even at our happiest, I was always wondering how long would it last and was never delusional about us being together for ages. That still doesn't make it easier... but eh.. One thing that really fucking helps me is time. I feel a little bit better every day - even though I have sudden lapses where I miss him like crazy - but it's not as awful as the first couple of weeks. I can't wait to be indifferent towards him like I am towards these guys I meet.
###
This morning I accidentally stumbled on a text message he sent me last September. It shot a renewed pang of pain through my heart and made me miss him like hell. Message was simple but so full of gentleness, affection and love. Goddamn him. Nothing would make me as happy as seeing him dead with his head smashed on the sidewalk. How could he convince me that he loves me, gain my love and then just dump me like an empty bag of potato chips? If he learned anything of me in the year we spent together he should be aware of all the devastation and misery he has caused me. But alas, his love of himself is greater than any love he could ever feel for anybody else. I knew that from the start and should have been mindful of it while I still had a chance to get out.
###
I like this quote: "Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears."
### I think of him EVERY SINGLE morning. As soon as I open my eyes or begin to open my eyes. Wham! When will this bullshit stop?? It doesn't hurt as much as it did but I still have to make a constant effort not to think of him or anything that has to do with 'us'. It's really difficult and it still hurts. Staying away from facebook and any online connections to him also helps - but it's also difficult as hell.
Strength of my will is immense and I love proving that to myself. I forgot how stubborn and persistent I can be.
Tomorrow is his birthday and I will not wish him a happy fucking birthday. It would be too hypocritical since I really want him to have a shitty birthday and also a miserable rest of his life. I really want him to feel the pain, loneliness and misery. Thank god he lost his hair because he was really adorable with it. He looks older than me (despite the fact I am six years older) and I can't wait for him to get closer to my age. His testosterone fueled body will look ancient and his face will be full of sharp and bony shadows.
Speaking of looks, I should really hit a gym today and stay there for a couple of hours.
I went out to a club with my 'new boyfriend' X on Friday and ended up making out with both him and the hottest guy I've ever seen in this city (his name is Y). I also ran into a guy I made out with a couple of weeks ago (it was his b-day) and who is allegedly in love with me (Z).
But anyways, I was sick of myself on Friday night and barely managed to avoid a threesome with X and Y. But I did end up with Y in a park near my apt where we made out and groped each other for like one hour. He is an AMAZING kisser and really really sexy.
Then early in the morning I received judgmental messages from my other flirt Q and then later from Z too. I guess my nasty reputation is spreading like wild fire.. So on Saturday night (after another wild gay party - where I behaved and flirted with X exclusively), I turned off my cell phone and it is still off. Receiving no text messages and not having to be flirty with people you generally don't give a fuck about is such a relief ! Phew!
I probably sound like a total bitch here but I don't care. I haven't been a bitch in forever and it's about time I show my teeth to these people. Everyone around here is so certain I'm the nicest person they've ever met and that I couldn't harm a fly. A motherly figure. A saint. While I AM really fucking nice, that's just one of my sides - like everybody else's. Everybody is really nice and a bitch at the same time, but if you don't show a bitch from time to time, people tend to forget it's there. And while everybody likes the nice guy, people tend to abuse them and they generally attract jerks - like I attracted my ex bf.
That selfish and big-headed moron is probably the source of my sudden mania. I was so fucking in love with him - and probably still am - so I am doing everything I can to distract myself from thinking of him. That was the only good relationship I ever had and we were both crazy in love .. And then suddenly without any real warning..
poof!
It's gone in one afternoon. And then it's hard to just turn everything you feel off, but at the same time, you need to move on.
But even at our happiest, I was always wondering how long would it last and was never delusional about us being together for ages. That still doesn't make it easier... but eh.. One thing that really fucking helps me is time. I feel a little bit better every day - even though I have sudden lapses where I miss him like crazy - but it's not as awful as the first couple of weeks. I can't wait to be indifferent towards him like I am towards these guys I meet.
###
This morning I accidentally stumbled on a text message he sent me last September. It shot a renewed pang of pain through my heart and made me miss him like hell. Message was simple but so full of gentleness, affection and love. Goddamn him. Nothing would make me as happy as seeing him dead with his head smashed on the sidewalk. How could he convince me that he loves me, gain my love and then just dump me like an empty bag of potato chips? If he learned anything of me in the year we spent together he should be aware of all the devastation and misery he has caused me. But alas, his love of himself is greater than any love he could ever feel for anybody else. I knew that from the start and should have been mindful of it while I still had a chance to get out.
###
I like this quote: "Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears."
### I think of him EVERY SINGLE morning. As soon as I open my eyes or begin to open my eyes. Wham! When will this bullshit stop?? It doesn't hurt as much as it did but I still have to make a constant effort not to think of him or anything that has to do with 'us'. It's really difficult and it still hurts. Staying away from facebook and any online connections to him also helps - but it's also difficult as hell.
Strength of my will is immense and I love proving that to myself. I forgot how stubborn and persistent I can be.
Tomorrow is his birthday and I will not wish him a happy fucking birthday. It would be too hypocritical since I really want him to have a shitty birthday and also a miserable rest of his life. I really want him to feel the pain, loneliness and misery. Thank god he lost his hair because he was really adorable with it. He looks older than me (despite the fact I am six years older) and I can't wait for him to get closer to my age. His testosterone fueled body will look ancient and his face will be full of sharp and bony shadows.
Speaking of looks, I should really hit a gym today and stay there for a couple of hours.