###
It's July and I'm still in mourning. My heart still feels like a dry desolate desert with no plants. It's all scorched and dusty and bare, but I d0n't feel like dying..well, I don't feel like dying CONSTANTLY. I miss the idea of him and I miss somebody to fill his role in my life, but every day brings a tiny atom of relief. I am long way from feeling fully OK, but I will survive this damn it! I will.
I ran into him at the club this weekend and I resented him for staying and coming. He knows I need space and that I am avoiding him, yet he came and stayed - at MY place. I said hi to him and shook hands. Again. His dry large hands. Void of life. While he tried to pass by me without saying a word.
I was surrounded with guys who were flirting with me like crazy and I danced like my life depended on it. I looked happy for all intents and purposes. Really fucking drunk with life and large quantities of jack and coke. I event went home with a foreign diplomat and came on his newly changed sheets smelling of lavender. I will drink anything and sleep with anyone as long as it distracts me from thinking of him.
How the fuck could he ruin me like this? How am I ever to trust another human being?
I am not OK. I need to run far away from this place and this pain. Maybe to another continent?
###
Damn him! I was really happy yesterday and he did not cross his mind even once. This was partly due to series of nude photographs I did a day before. I was a model and I had no clue I looked as fabulous as I did. I mean.. I look ok, but camera and lights were really good which in turn made me look AMAZING. Very lean with huge chest and pertruding abdominal muscles. These photos made me look like a Greek statue and I sent them to almost everybody I knew. I know, I have no shame, but hey! I'm almost 30 and this is probably the last time I will be able to pose for these kinds of photos.
So anyway, I felt handsome and good about myself and thoughts of him were nowhere in the horizon. When suddenly, bam! He shows up in my office. He had a meeting with my boss and he seemed really cheerful which annoyed the shit out of me. I packed my stuff immediately and left the office, but thoughts of him stayed with me. They even woke me up at 5 am this morning and now I'm back to cube 1... FUCK HIM!
I need to run away from this city as far as possible and I will be fine. When he is far from eyes, he also become distant from my heart and mind. Running into him rustles my emotional feathers and it's really annoying... Just when I'm think I'm fine, he returns me to begging. But enough of that! Enough is enough! Goodbye stupid city of cemeteries!
###
No more unbearable agony, but boy I miss him. Still can' t accept the fact he gave me up so easily or that I allowed myself to fall so bad for the wrong one - yet again.
###
I haven't written here in days now and I don't know if that's a good sign. It probably is. I don't feel need to talk about him all the fucking time... But eventhough I don't talk about him, this anxious numbing feeling/thought associated with him is constantly with me. It's there when ever I am alone with my thoughts, drinking a beer, watching a sea, tanning, buying an ice-cream, driving.. He is there mocking me and mocking my love for him - which I can hardly admit to myself even.
Or is it love? Honestly, I would like to see him dead right now. I would cry - A LOT, but would still rather see him dead than happy with somebody else. That is not love. It sounds more like my hurt ego and selfishness. I need to let him go and set myself free. But how??
###
He took off on a euro trip yesterday and one of his best friends went with him. I hope his fancy camera gets accidentally broken in a train (today). I hope his wallet gets stolen (five days from today), I hope he gets into an argument with his friend and that it rains every place he goes to. Oh, and I hope he gets STD if he happens to engage in any sexual behavior.
As for me, I just want to stop thinking of him and what he does. I stopped talking about him and do not check any of his online activities, but he still won't leave my mind.
I ran into him at the club this weekend and I resented him for staying and coming. He knows I need space and that I am avoiding him, yet he came and stayed - at MY place. I said hi to him and shook hands. Again. His dry large hands. Void of life. While he tried to pass by me without saying a word.
I was surrounded with guys who were flirting with me like crazy and I danced like my life depended on it. I looked happy for all intents and purposes. Really fucking drunk with life and large quantities of jack and coke. I event went home with a foreign diplomat and came on his newly changed sheets smelling of lavender. I will drink anything and sleep with anyone as long as it distracts me from thinking of him.
How the fuck could he ruin me like this? How am I ever to trust another human being?
I am not OK. I need to run far away from this place and this pain. Maybe to another continent?
###
Damn him! I was really happy yesterday and he did not cross his mind even once. This was partly due to series of nude photographs I did a day before. I was a model and I had no clue I looked as fabulous as I did. I mean.. I look ok, but camera and lights were really good which in turn made me look AMAZING. Very lean with huge chest and pertruding abdominal muscles. These photos made me look like a Greek statue and I sent them to almost everybody I knew. I know, I have no shame, but hey! I'm almost 30 and this is probably the last time I will be able to pose for these kinds of photos.
So anyway, I felt handsome and good about myself and thoughts of him were nowhere in the horizon. When suddenly, bam! He shows up in my office. He had a meeting with my boss and he seemed really cheerful which annoyed the shit out of me. I packed my stuff immediately and left the office, but thoughts of him stayed with me. They even woke me up at 5 am this morning and now I'm back to cube 1... FUCK HIM!
I need to run away from this city as far as possible and I will be fine. When he is far from eyes, he also become distant from my heart and mind. Running into him rustles my emotional feathers and it's really annoying... Just when I'm think I'm fine, he returns me to begging. But enough of that! Enough is enough! Goodbye stupid city of cemeteries!
###
No more unbearable agony, but boy I miss him. Still can' t accept the fact he gave me up so easily or that I allowed myself to fall so bad for the wrong one - yet again.
###
I haven't written here in days now and I don't know if that's a good sign. It probably is. I don't feel need to talk about him all the fucking time... But eventhough I don't talk about him, this anxious numbing feeling/thought associated with him is constantly with me. It's there when ever I am alone with my thoughts, drinking a beer, watching a sea, tanning, buying an ice-cream, driving.. He is there mocking me and mocking my love for him - which I can hardly admit to myself even.
Or is it love? Honestly, I would like to see him dead right now. I would cry - A LOT, but would still rather see him dead than happy with somebody else. That is not love. It sounds more like my hurt ego and selfishness. I need to let him go and set myself free. But how??
###
He took off on a euro trip yesterday and one of his best friends went with him. I hope his fancy camera gets accidentally broken in a train (today). I hope his wallet gets stolen (five days from today), I hope he gets into an argument with his friend and that it rains every place he goes to. Oh, and I hope he gets STD if he happens to engage in any sexual behavior.
As for me, I just want to stop thinking of him and what he does. I stopped talking about him and do not check any of his online activities, but he still won't leave my mind.