Day #2
This really is a day one because 24 hours have not passed since he told me that I cool him off. He barely spoke to me and I felt more alone walking beside him through the city streets than I did later that night in my bed. His stare was vacant and his face a slab of stone.
I tried to fill the void of unbreakable silence by jabbering about my day and hoping that he would say something more than "hm", "yes" and "uh-huh". But it didn't work. It never worked. Not when he was in this mood which coolly locks the entire world out and turns the man I love into a shell.
He previously told me that he felt I lack the initiative and do not amuse him.. Amuse him..who the fuck does he think I am? A PlayStation?
But anyway, I tried suggesting we go see an exhibition or an opera.. but to no avail. The light could not get through his stony armor and the answer was not going to change. And so I got really desperate and overwhelmed with panic but still tried to remain cool as a brutal war raged inside me. I just wanted to leave and go home because nothing constructive was going to happen here. We've been here before and I never managed to get him to talk. But I needed to talk and get this shit off my chest and my mind so I took him to the river. A lonely bridge we've never been to before and told him that his silence hurts. He said "okay". I then ask what does he want and he said that he doesn't know...
How can you not know? Not knowing these kinds of things is knowing. If you are not sure if you should stay with somebody or leave usually means that you want to leave but are too comfortable with a familiar territory and are not ready to step into the unknown - but you want to. I told him that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore and he, again, said that he didn't know.
He didn't have to really talk because his touch told me more than anything he could ever say. Touching him for the past two weeks was like touch a marble statue. I felt like I was doing something unnatural and violating him every time I tried hugging him and showing some affection. He made me feel ugly and unwanted. I am not either though. I am pleasant to the eye, my body is firm and people hit on me relatively frequently. I also receive compliments from people other than my mother and close friends. But still... One person whose compliments I and opinions I care about did not find me attractive and that's all that mattered to me. "Mattered" - past tense. I want to turn a new page.
###
I feel the pain creeping in. I have been fine so far. Kind of numb and a bit relieved. A common friend told me that she spoke to him and that he said "it was a domination thing". Whatever that means.. I don't want to know what it means. I want to think about myself.
###
what the fuck. I feel great!
###
Seriously. Am I shell-shocked or what? The terrible day outside (with heavy rain and wind) suddenly changed into super sunny spring day. Along with that change of weather my mood shifted and I feel immense calm and...
happiness? What the hell is going on here?
I just want to go outside into the sun, stare at the freshly washed sky with the cutest fluffy cloud specks and smell flowers. I am trying to think if something like this has happened to me before. I am pretty sure that after a fresh breakup I felt moderately bad, or even neutral, but never happy!
I am going out to a stand up comedy show with my friends and feel really excited about it. I feel handsome. Really. A friend who never gives me compliments (even when I need them desperately) told me today that I am extremely handsome and that people he meets keep asking about me. I know him well enough to know that he is sincere. People he meets keep asking about who I am and if I am single.. Also I started flirting a bit on Facebook today with people I know have a crush with me. Hearing how sexy I am to people along with this sudden change in weather have probably contributed to this burst of happiness. I just hope my bubble stays in one piece for a bit longer..
I tried to fill the void of unbreakable silence by jabbering about my day and hoping that he would say something more than "hm", "yes" and "uh-huh". But it didn't work. It never worked. Not when he was in this mood which coolly locks the entire world out and turns the man I love into a shell.
He previously told me that he felt I lack the initiative and do not amuse him.. Amuse him..who the fuck does he think I am? A PlayStation?
But anyway, I tried suggesting we go see an exhibition or an opera.. but to no avail. The light could not get through his stony armor and the answer was not going to change. And so I got really desperate and overwhelmed with panic but still tried to remain cool as a brutal war raged inside me. I just wanted to leave and go home because nothing constructive was going to happen here. We've been here before and I never managed to get him to talk. But I needed to talk and get this shit off my chest and my mind so I took him to the river. A lonely bridge we've never been to before and told him that his silence hurts. He said "okay". I then ask what does he want and he said that he doesn't know...
How can you not know? Not knowing these kinds of things is knowing. If you are not sure if you should stay with somebody or leave usually means that you want to leave but are too comfortable with a familiar territory and are not ready to step into the unknown - but you want to. I told him that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore and he, again, said that he didn't know.
He didn't have to really talk because his touch told me more than anything he could ever say. Touching him for the past two weeks was like touch a marble statue. I felt like I was doing something unnatural and violating him every time I tried hugging him and showing some affection. He made me feel ugly and unwanted. I am not either though. I am pleasant to the eye, my body is firm and people hit on me relatively frequently. I also receive compliments from people other than my mother and close friends. But still... One person whose compliments I and opinions I care about did not find me attractive and that's all that mattered to me. "Mattered" - past tense. I want to turn a new page.
###
I feel the pain creeping in. I have been fine so far. Kind of numb and a bit relieved. A common friend told me that she spoke to him and that he said "it was a domination thing". Whatever that means.. I don't want to know what it means. I want to think about myself.
###
what the fuck. I feel great!
###
Seriously. Am I shell-shocked or what? The terrible day outside (with heavy rain and wind) suddenly changed into super sunny spring day. Along with that change of weather my mood shifted and I feel immense calm and...
happiness? What the hell is going on here?
I just want to go outside into the sun, stare at the freshly washed sky with the cutest fluffy cloud specks and smell flowers. I am trying to think if something like this has happened to me before. I am pretty sure that after a fresh breakup I felt moderately bad, or even neutral, but never happy!
I am going out to a stand up comedy show with my friends and feel really excited about it. I feel handsome. Really. A friend who never gives me compliments (even when I need them desperately) told me today that I am extremely handsome and that people he meets keep asking about me. I know him well enough to know that he is sincere. People he meets keep asking about who I am and if I am single.. Also I started flirting a bit on Facebook today with people I know have a crush with me. Hearing how sexy I am to people along with this sudden change in weather have probably contributed to this burst of happiness. I just hope my bubble stays in one piece for a bit longer..