August
Yeah, it's August and I still feel like shit going to bed and waking up thinking of him. Yesterday I had a job interview and I am rather certain that I will not get it. When it rains it pours and dry season doesn't seem to be anywhere on the horizon for me.
Misery is the river of the world. Everybody row, everybody row..
I hope he gets hit by a truck during his travels through Europe as I am certain that he has none of the consequences I am going through. It's easy for a man without a soul (by soul I mean empathetic character with compassion) to get by in this life. The only person you have to take care and whose state of affairs interests you is your own. Everyone else is a prop inside a props cabinet which you may decide to use or not.
I am tired of being a prop and I do not want to love anybody ever again. I do not want to cause this kind of pain to others and I do not want to feel it myself. It's crushing me and eating me inside and I do not talk about it or show it any way (because what's the point? nobody can help me anyway.) so the load is all mine.
I do not talk about it to my best friend either because I've said all of these things before. Saying them out loud does not make them go away. they linger, persist and attack me when I am least expecting them. I hate seeing images of him or receiving any info about him. The only way I could handle seeing him would be in the open casket.
He betrayed my trust and broke me inside. One person I trusted the most. And it hurts to know that this person does not fucking care. That the only thing they are worried about is that they are not getting enough of ''love'' (read attention) and that they are really annoyed by the idea they are spending a part of their lushes twenties without a boyfriend to enjoy their sexy body... I hate our common friends who tell me these awful things that gush forth from his retarded mouth and that is the reason I blocked them from contacting me. I am tempted to fully delete them but will try to remain patient a bit longer.
Patience is running out though. I am lost. without a job, without a home and without a future. I wonder if I will ever stumble on the path I am suppose to be taking.
###
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU! Motherfucking pig. I hope your ugly eye gets swollen every day of your stupid life and that you lose the remaining shreds of that hair and age even more rapidly than you already do. You deserve eternity of misery and loneliness and no misfortune it too big for you. You selfish and seal-obsessed fucktard.
###
Will I ever be a whole person again? Unreturned love is eating me inside. It won’t let me sleep at night, it wakes me up when I do manage to close my eyes and makes me sigh during my waking hours.
It’ s agonizing and I feel embarrassed for still feeling like I do while knowing he is backpacking Europe and probably having sex with strangers at random apartments. Enjoying himself and not caring a tiny bit about me or anything I may be going through.
I try not to think of the past, but it creeps into my mind and lingers on chipping away at the joy of my present.
I used to be everything to this person and now I am nothing – despite the fact they remained everything to me. They now see me as something disposable, something to use and leave on the sidewalk – like a candwraper when here is no trash bin anywhere near. My feelings and thoughts do not touch him.
When will his thoughts and feelings and actions stop touching me I wonder? How much longer do I have to be a prisoner of these useless emotions?
I need my sleep if I am going o tackle these horribly lonely days. I cannot go on like this. I am so fucking ashamed of still loving him.
###
I need to write more otherwise I am going to explode. I feel that my recent relapse/flood of emotions was caused by me ignoring how I feel and trying to keep things bottled up. I will write my nonsense because that I why I created this place. I need it if I want to remain semi-sane. Gym and workout helps, but I need this too. sadly... For as long as it takes. You are my friend website and I need you right now:)
###
I'm a nobility apparently. But so is him..He enjoyed bragging about it. Thoughts of him woke me up this morning but I decided to fight them back this morning. I put audio book on my ipod (world's greatest mystery short stories) and went back to sleep. I slept wonderfully until 10:30.
I wish he never existed. If there is a parallel universe, there is probably one where he was never born. I wish that place was my home.
###
Today we are strangers. It took forever for me to fall in love with somebody and now that I did I am praying for it to go away. Funny. I guess death is the ultimate result of any living thing - including a relationship. Or is it?
Could it have been different?
Maybe. But how?
Nobody knows what makes people fall in and out of love. It's not a clear cut thing with precise diagnosis and cure. But I know I found it and lost it and have no clue about how either of it happened or why..
I was one man's treasure yesterday, and today, he does not care if I am dead or alive. I on the other hand do not know how to cope with that other than to pretend he is dead. I do not mention his name out loud and avoid learning anything of his life. Does it work? No. Does it help me live a more peaceful and manageable existence? Yes.
Do I still love him? Hm. Probably, but I would never want to be with him again. I would however, love if he wanted me back. It would heal my ego probably and make me feel less insecure.
But dead things are dead and they will never come back to life. I am trying to learn to live with that..but I also have this strong feeling that life will heal me whether I try or not. We are adaptable creatures and survive disasters like no other specie. I only wish I didn't have to suffer so much in the process.
Also, I really wish I could find a new job with really good salary. I do not want to be poor for at least once in my life.
###
not that many posts this month. one would think I'm fine by now. but nope. far from it. I had some work to finish last week (take official unemployment paperwork from the old job to unemployment bureau).. Office at my old job was getting repainted and refurnished and it was nice seeing my old coworkers, but also depressing. After that I went to unemployment burreau and I applied for some kind of financial assistance which I can receive for 3 months.
Then I was walking the streets of my former home town and thinking of my ex and all the daily activities made me feel really fucking nauseous and exhausted. So I went home (my former home), drank a bottle of wine and cried on glass balcony like a baby. For like 20 minutes. I cried so hard my nose was running like crazy and my eyes were covered in red veins. I don't remember ever crying that much in my adult history but it made me feel better.
Everything about that place reminded me of my ex but I don't talk about him to anybody and have not mentioned his name in months. It wouldn't help anyway and I am still determined to avoid getting any information about him. I keep wondering how much longer do I have to be thinking of him and being miserable. He deserves to be miserable, not me damn it.. I was a great fucking boyfriend!
But anyway, next time I consider dating somebody, would you please read this post (not that it will help once I am over him)? All the good times were so not worth of this misery and it ALWAYS ends like that - in misery. REMEMBER THAT.
I also blocked him on facebook today. Not that he ever wrote me or would write after I've deleted him off my friends list, but I was so sick of his stupid face appearing every time I typed the first letter of his name. That ugly ass face with stupid grin, horse teeth and monkey eyes. What was I thinking! Note to self, next time you fall in love, please fall in love with somebody decent looking. Disney was right after all - ugly people are evil!
Misery is the river of the world. Everybody row, everybody row..
I hope he gets hit by a truck during his travels through Europe as I am certain that he has none of the consequences I am going through. It's easy for a man without a soul (by soul I mean empathetic character with compassion) to get by in this life. The only person you have to take care and whose state of affairs interests you is your own. Everyone else is a prop inside a props cabinet which you may decide to use or not.
I am tired of being a prop and I do not want to love anybody ever again. I do not want to cause this kind of pain to others and I do not want to feel it myself. It's crushing me and eating me inside and I do not talk about it or show it any way (because what's the point? nobody can help me anyway.) so the load is all mine.
I do not talk about it to my best friend either because I've said all of these things before. Saying them out loud does not make them go away. they linger, persist and attack me when I am least expecting them. I hate seeing images of him or receiving any info about him. The only way I could handle seeing him would be in the open casket.
He betrayed my trust and broke me inside. One person I trusted the most. And it hurts to know that this person does not fucking care. That the only thing they are worried about is that they are not getting enough of ''love'' (read attention) and that they are really annoyed by the idea they are spending a part of their lushes twenties without a boyfriend to enjoy their sexy body... I hate our common friends who tell me these awful things that gush forth from his retarded mouth and that is the reason I blocked them from contacting me. I am tempted to fully delete them but will try to remain patient a bit longer.
Patience is running out though. I am lost. without a job, without a home and without a future. I wonder if I will ever stumble on the path I am suppose to be taking.
###
FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU! Motherfucking pig. I hope your ugly eye gets swollen every day of your stupid life and that you lose the remaining shreds of that hair and age even more rapidly than you already do. You deserve eternity of misery and loneliness and no misfortune it too big for you. You selfish and seal-obsessed fucktard.
###
Will I ever be a whole person again? Unreturned love is eating me inside. It won’t let me sleep at night, it wakes me up when I do manage to close my eyes and makes me sigh during my waking hours.
It’ s agonizing and I feel embarrassed for still feeling like I do while knowing he is backpacking Europe and probably having sex with strangers at random apartments. Enjoying himself and not caring a tiny bit about me or anything I may be going through.
I try not to think of the past, but it creeps into my mind and lingers on chipping away at the joy of my present.
I used to be everything to this person and now I am nothing – despite the fact they remained everything to me. They now see me as something disposable, something to use and leave on the sidewalk – like a candwraper when here is no trash bin anywhere near. My feelings and thoughts do not touch him.
When will his thoughts and feelings and actions stop touching me I wonder? How much longer do I have to be a prisoner of these useless emotions?
I need my sleep if I am going o tackle these horribly lonely days. I cannot go on like this. I am so fucking ashamed of still loving him.
###
I need to write more otherwise I am going to explode. I feel that my recent relapse/flood of emotions was caused by me ignoring how I feel and trying to keep things bottled up. I will write my nonsense because that I why I created this place. I need it if I want to remain semi-sane. Gym and workout helps, but I need this too. sadly... For as long as it takes. You are my friend website and I need you right now:)
###
I'm a nobility apparently. But so is him..He enjoyed bragging about it. Thoughts of him woke me up this morning but I decided to fight them back this morning. I put audio book on my ipod (world's greatest mystery short stories) and went back to sleep. I slept wonderfully until 10:30.
I wish he never existed. If there is a parallel universe, there is probably one where he was never born. I wish that place was my home.
###
Today we are strangers. It took forever for me to fall in love with somebody and now that I did I am praying for it to go away. Funny. I guess death is the ultimate result of any living thing - including a relationship. Or is it?
Could it have been different?
Maybe. But how?
Nobody knows what makes people fall in and out of love. It's not a clear cut thing with precise diagnosis and cure. But I know I found it and lost it and have no clue about how either of it happened or why..
I was one man's treasure yesterday, and today, he does not care if I am dead or alive. I on the other hand do not know how to cope with that other than to pretend he is dead. I do not mention his name out loud and avoid learning anything of his life. Does it work? No. Does it help me live a more peaceful and manageable existence? Yes.
Do I still love him? Hm. Probably, but I would never want to be with him again. I would however, love if he wanted me back. It would heal my ego probably and make me feel less insecure.
But dead things are dead and they will never come back to life. I am trying to learn to live with that..but I also have this strong feeling that life will heal me whether I try or not. We are adaptable creatures and survive disasters like no other specie. I only wish I didn't have to suffer so much in the process.
Also, I really wish I could find a new job with really good salary. I do not want to be poor for at least once in my life.
###
not that many posts this month. one would think I'm fine by now. but nope. far from it. I had some work to finish last week (take official unemployment paperwork from the old job to unemployment bureau).. Office at my old job was getting repainted and refurnished and it was nice seeing my old coworkers, but also depressing. After that I went to unemployment burreau and I applied for some kind of financial assistance which I can receive for 3 months.
Then I was walking the streets of my former home town and thinking of my ex and all the daily activities made me feel really fucking nauseous and exhausted. So I went home (my former home), drank a bottle of wine and cried on glass balcony like a baby. For like 20 minutes. I cried so hard my nose was running like crazy and my eyes were covered in red veins. I don't remember ever crying that much in my adult history but it made me feel better.
Everything about that place reminded me of my ex but I don't talk about him to anybody and have not mentioned his name in months. It wouldn't help anyway and I am still determined to avoid getting any information about him. I keep wondering how much longer do I have to be thinking of him and being miserable. He deserves to be miserable, not me damn it.. I was a great fucking boyfriend!
But anyway, next time I consider dating somebody, would you please read this post (not that it will help once I am over him)? All the good times were so not worth of this misery and it ALWAYS ends like that - in misery. REMEMBER THAT.
I also blocked him on facebook today. Not that he ever wrote me or would write after I've deleted him off my friends list, but I was so sick of his stupid face appearing every time I typed the first letter of his name. That ugly ass face with stupid grin, horse teeth and monkey eyes. What was I thinking! Note to self, next time you fall in love, please fall in love with somebody decent looking. Disney was right after all - ugly people are evil!
but i still feel need to be melodramatic about this shit. can't help grieving for my former happiness...
The stars shined,the earth smelled, the door of the garden squeaked, and a step brushed the sound. She came in, fragrant, and fell into my arms. Oh! Sweet kisses, oh, languid caresses, as I dissolved her beautiful form, trembling. My dream of love is vanished for ever... The time has run out and I die in despair! And I've never loved life so much.